Tinsel and Tears: How Grief and Joy Coexist During the Holidays
As much as I always want to believe that it’s not going to be a thing for me this year, the holiday season grief continues to sneak right in and sit heavy in that place between my heart and throat. It starts at Thanksgiving and doesn’t seem to let up until sometime in January. There are moments when I’m certain I might choke on the sadness, and interspersed are moments of joy and comfort.
I come from a rather large extended family, and for as long as I can remember, holidays have meant large gatherings full of family, food, and traditions. Enter 2020, when all of that turned upside down for more reasons than one. On May 25, 2020, my dad—my friend, support, and biggest cheerleader—passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. To say I was devastated by this loss and the way it shook my family would be an understatement. Coupled with the ongoing COVID pandemic, nothing felt normal.
By Thanksgiving of that year, I was pretty certain I had cried all the tears it was possible to cry and had already grieved every day since his passing, so it seemed unlikely I would feel any differently just because it was a holiday. And, of course, nothing about the holidays that year felt anything like traditional holidays anyway because...COVID. The morning of Thanksgiving 2020, I woke up, anticipating just having a low-key day with my immediate family. Before I was even conscious of what was happening, tears were seeping out of my eyes before they were even open. The rest of the holidays followed in a similar fashion. It was the first year, and many things were upside down, so I figured it was to be expected. I’d love to say that now, four years later, that has changed and I can be wistful about missing my dad, but certainly not overwhelmed with grief anymore. Surely not four years later. But see, that's the thing about grief: it never truly lets up. We just learn how to carry it and to expect that it will still be a gut punch that takes your breath away whenever you’re reminded it exists. For me, and many others, the holidays can be one giant reminder. Whether it's shopping for gifts that person might have loved, or one less place setting at the table, it’s there, and there's no escaping it. I’m reluctant to resign myself to this, and it seems that for me, the best way to manage it is to practice acceptance and make sure I make space for myself to attend to these feelings. At the same time I am able to recognize that just because I carry this sadness with me, the holidays are also abundant with joy and the comfort of tradition. I love getting together with family, even though it’s gotten a bit smaller over the years. I enjoy the moments of wonder and gratitude with my children, and I so much look forward to the traditions my family continues to carry on.
Over the years, I have learned that pretending the feelings don’t exist may not be the most useful way to manage grief—especially during a time like the holidays, which can already be so stressful. Turns out, there is good evidence that when we can acknowledge and accept our feelings just as they are, it becomes much easier to manage our thoughts and behaviors related to them.
Tips for managing grief during the holidays:
Acknowledge the grief exists: Sometimes this means saying it out loud, to yourself, or to others.
Set boundaries: Many of us are already at capacity this time of year with all of the decisions, time commitments, pressures, and burdens that come with the holidays. Before agreeing to things, check in with yourself and your emotional capacity, and set boundaries as needed.
Share your grief: Whether with your close friends and family or your therapist, talking about it not only provides a space for processing, but also an opportunity for validation.
Find small ways to connect with your grief and your person: It might be through making a dish your person would have loved, honoring a tradition, or just including their memory in a way that feels meaningful to you. It might seem counterproductive, but when we find ways to connect with our emotions, it can help ease the pain.
All of that being said, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve. Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and remember: stress and grief can exist right alongside joy and celebration. In just a few weeks, we’ll be on the other side of this holiday season. The grief doesn’t end; we just learn how to carry it.
- E
